Saturday, August 7, 2010

Thank you

For being such attentive listeners.
However, I think this blog has run its course.
I will no longer be updating regularly, however, feel free to stop on by, as I still may post a few random things here and there.
So, in short, don't expect regular posts from me anymore, but there is no need to delete me from your subscriptions.

I may surprise you every now and then.

Stay well. <3

Sunday, June 27, 2010


It's so confusing
It's dark and I'm losing
Sight of what is right
I want you to let me be
Please just let go of me
What I say I can't repeat
This constant yearning
It's consuming and burning
There's nothing you can do
And still you take me

Oh you are
My lionheart
Fierce protector, deny human nature
Oh you are
My lionheart

Like a sliver of a splinter
You get under my skin
The more I try to rid you
The more pain I inflict
I can't say with much conviction
I can see the light of day
Yet you drag me to the surface
Help me breathe and get away

Oh you are
My lionheart
Fierce protector, deny human nature
Oh you are
My lionheart

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Well said.

"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils" - Louis Hector Berlioz

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman


If I could, I would paint the world over
So you could see the billion shades of gray
The lines you see are all an illusion
Drawn to keep your mind under lock and key

One day this will all come crashing down
Stars from the heavens spilling to make you see
The hot brands cause a pain that scars
And they spell your name, the blame, the shame

If we were all meant to be the same
Then why are we all so differently beautiful
Woe falls on those who take but do not give
Starcrossed are those born under this sky

One day this will all come crashing down
Stars from the heavens spilling to make you see
The hot brands cause a pain that scars
And they spell your name, the blame, the shame

Friday, May 28, 2010

Oh my.

Sorry about the ridiculously long hiatus.
Being a full time student and working two jobs as well as having a boyfriend have currently been eating all of my time.

But summer is HEREEE!
I'm still working a bunch, but I have considerably more time now.

I promise to have a quality blog up soon instead of a bunch of rubbish I could write right now.. Because honestly, right now I'm pretty pissed at my boyfriend right now... And it's not even over a GOOD reason.

I'm just too stubborn for my own good.

But yes.

A nice blog when I'm less pissed fer sure.


Monday, May 3, 2010


The sunshine dances in your hair
I feel beautiful as I linger in your stare
Captivated as a moth drawn to a flame
Wildly more enchanted the more we get tangled in this game

Kiss me
I taste your mouth locked behind my lips
I smile behind crossed fingertips
You said you’d love me forever
If from afar and silently
I’ll keep your secret safe with me

The honey in your skin too sweet to waste
I became drunk in my unconscious haste
Golden dreams we wished on tainted stars
While your promises and wishes never would be ours

And I jumped feet first into the cold unknown
Never knowing that you never meant to follow
As roses full in bloom will wither in the sun
Disillusionment unravels us

Kiss me
I taste your mouth locked behind my lips
I smile behind crossed fingertips
You said you’d love me forever
If from afar and silently
I’ll keep your secret safe with me

But you went back (But you went back)
Back on me (Back on me)
If you had only said (If you had only said)
Your love wasn’t free

The price I paid was much too great
Left me with nothing but broken faith
If we get the love we think we deserve
How is it I’m the one who’s hurt?

Kiss me
I taste your mouth locked behind my lips
It burns me
How you smile behind crossed fingertips
You said you’d love me forever
This time you are naïve if you think
I’ll keep your secret safe with me

Saturday, May 1, 2010


My voice resounds like broken bells in domes of churches
It would shatter glass if someone heard it
I kneel, I bleed, my repentance
For sins unsaid, with lowered head, I wait for forgiveness

Leave my every leaf unturned
Let me rise to fall again
It’s what I deserve in the end
If I refuse to fight
Will that suffice, my atonement?
Save me before sin begins, before it wins

It begins with a joy, pure and new
Swiftly the apple starts to shine
Before long the hole in your chest starts to ache
As the serpent makes its way inside
You find you have nowhere to hide

A sudden spark springs to sleeping psychosis
Buried beneath what once sufficed
Desperation drags the darkness to the surface
To shatter mirrors, mirror matters ever madder

Leave my every leaf unturned
Let me rise to fall again
It’s what I deserve in the end
If I refuse to fight
Will that suffice, my atonement?
Save me before sin begins, before it wins

Can you help me?
Confession never felt like this
Not quite painful and not full of bliss
Can you save me?
Save me from what I’m to become
Before what’s left of me is none

This is my last prayer
One final plea left to exchange
All I have to give is yours if you forgive
Me, If I refuse to fight
Will that suffice?
Will that suffice?

(Yeah, these are lyrics/a poem. Make of it what you will.)

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


for the lack of posts.
Like the majority of the world, I have been super busy (which is everyone's lame-ass excuse. I'm aware of that).

This week has been/is super crazy packed with tests and projects in all my classes, a gigantic load of work at my one job, while still holding obligations to my second job.
I have been scratching around for time everywhere I can.

Hang tight, my 11 dedicated followers!
There will be something to feast your eyes on this coming weekend, most likely.

Stay sane.
I'll try my best :]

Monday, April 12, 2010

On being an atheist.

You know, I've read many of these blogs about religion: how some people found it, how others lost it, how some people are fed up with it being "shoved down their throats." But really, I've never really read one that I could identify with.

I wasn't raised in an extremely religious home. My mother is a devout Catholic, even though she stopped attending church at 16. I can still see her with prayer cards in her wallet, and before bed when I was little, I remember her blessing me with "God bless you, God protect you, amen." My dad, on the other hand, is an odd creature. I have no idea what he believes in, if anything. All I know is that he has a small little gem statue of Buddha (he's Cambodian) that he keeps in a little glass bell jar type of thing. We are never supposed to touch it.

I used to keep it in my room for a long time, and you know what? I always felt safe. I don't know what it was, but I bet if I put it in my room again, I wouldn't be so freaked out if I heard things going bump in the night. This doesn't necessarily indicate that I am a Buddhist by any means -- I'm not -- but, still, one has to wonder...

Anyway, I was a "Christian" growing up. Why the quotes? I was baptized and all. I went to a Christian preschool when I was little. I even prayed to a god I thought existed all the way up to my sophomore or junior year in high school. I just sort of... stopped. I'm not really sure what it was that led me to "lose faith" so to speak. Really, I think it's sort of like losing your faith in Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. I just grew out of it. It didn't suit me or the person I became.

I'm not going to say I lost my religion, though. I never really had a religion to begin with. I never went to church and I never knew what Easter was all about. I always thought it was all bunnies and sugary peeps. And, honestly, I didn't lose anything. In fact, I gained something by becoming an atheist. Instead of praying to the Old White Guy in the Sky, I put all my faith in myself. You know the old saying that says something like "God never puts you in a situation you can't handle?" (I just googled it. It's actually 1 Corinthians 10:13: "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will... etc") Well, I kind of believe that where there is a will, there is a way. Instead of looking up to to something, I try and make myself stronger from within. I don't pray when I know I won't get an answer. I talk to people close to me. I figure things out. 

Well, you may be wondering, what do you think happens to you when you die? Haha, um... nothing? Look, I don't know what happens. No one knows. But to think that there's a place where all souls meet and party or that there is an eternally bad place down under makes me laugh. No, no, don't get all pissy: I'm not knocking your beliefs, I promise. But really, the whole bible version of life and the afterlife and what not... I believe it's a story, something to make you piss your pants in fear and be a good little boy or girl. It's a story to make you feel good about yourself. Basically, it's a Mother Goose kind of tale, full of morals and hope. It's a good thing, really. But if there is one thing that confuses me, it's that people take this story literally. There are people that don't believe in evolution and think that if you masturbate you're going to end up in a hell because it's a sin. Well, jeez. If that's the case, then science is all wrong and we're all going to end up in Hell. I'm not preaching. These are my beliefs. I'm just trying to give you my perspective. Calm down.

But I am a girl of science. I'm a huge Darwin fan, and I'm looking into majoring in anthropology or neurology and going to med school. So, really, there's a conflict of interest. I can't believe in one while believing in the other, no matter how many people can. It's just not in me.

There are those that may think that I don't believe in a god because I don't have proof. Well, I don't have proof that there are aliens, but I do believe that extraterrestrial life exists, yes ma'am. The universe is just too big for that to be impossible. But as for the Old White Guy in the Sky? I'm sorry. 

Now, don't go thinking I'm knocking all religions and religious people, or even spiritual people. Not even! I have religious friends and a religious family. I don't think they're stupid or ignorant, and I'm not going to waste my time trying to convert anyone. We all have different beliefs, and I can respect that -- to an extent of course. If you come knocking at my door at 9 AM trying to make me go to church, I will not be a happy camper. If you come to my anthropology class and attempt to tell my professor that Darwin was wrong and quote the scriptures (like someone has in his class before), I will think you're a tool. There's a time and a place for everything. If you want to debate something, that's fine, but do it somewhere appropriate. I don't take kindly to people shoving religion down anyone's throat, even if it's an atheist getting in the face of a Catholic. It's uncalled for and nasty. I don't go around trying to make you eat broccoli; don't go around trying to make me eat up your religious (or non-religious) spiel. Right? Can I get an amen? :-) 

But what does irk me a bit is when people get wind of someone being an atheist and then become haters. Really? C'mon now. It's not like we're gothed-up, anarchy-loving, baby-killing bastards with no morals. We just put our faith in something else. Or maybe we just take life as it comes. To each his own, yes?

Some days I believe in myself. On my bad days, I don't, and I'll just (in the words of the Dodge commercial) grab life by the horns. But I didn't lose my religion. I gained perspective, and, just maybe, a little bit of strength by doing so too.

Oh and PS: Feel free to leave your thoughts. I'm not afraid of criticism :]

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Your kiss can bring me to my knees.
The knees you pushed me down upon yesterday, with your words.
The ones I stayed down on, scraped and bruising, hurting elsewhere.
The same knees you cleaned off with I'm Sorrys and tenderness.
And then you kiss me, and I'm down on them again.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

First country song of mine?

This girl's four-foot-seven and she's all alone
Brought a knife to a gunfight but she still feels strong
Got the head of a bull and dancer's feet
There ain't nothing that this girl can't beat

Quick draw, know-it-all, she's in town
You're S.O.L, your army can't be found
Hope you got nine lives, she's got one
Honey, let's dance, let's have some fun

At first glance, she's a rough sight
But in the sack she's dynamite
Under the grit, she's a ten and a half
Once you had this chick there ain't no goin' back

Quick draw, know-it-all, she's in town
You're S.O.L, your army can't be found
Hope you got nine lives, she's got one
Honey, let's dance, let's have some fun

When you're free from falling
There's nothing you can't face
And to her, love ain't callin'
That's always been her savin' grace
Yet in this great world alone it's a lonely place

Quick draw, know-it-all, she's in town
You're S.O.L, your army can't be found
She's taking a hostage tonight, hope you're game
Tomorrow the world won't be quite the same

Monday, March 29, 2010

First post in months! Sorry!

I'm not fun, or crazy. I'm not silly or funny or goofy or really comfortable enough in my own skin to be crazy.

I'm self-conscious and reserved. I'm calm. I don't like making a scene or a ruckus, or attracting lots of attention to myself. That doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun; my form of fun is just different.

I'm peaceful. I like to talk. I like to play games. But, I don't think I fit into the crowd of people my age. Old friends have turned into people that I no longer click with, you know? I hang out with my boyfriend, and that's it. That's usually fine with me, but sometimes I want some friends too. I haven't found any that I feel I click with. Perhaps that's because I'm trying to find one, I don't know.

But, it does seem at times like I'm the only one that feels like this, that doesn't wanna be part of a group of crazy, loud, free-for-all people... even if they are just having fun. That's not me.

P.S. Sorry for the lack of posts lately, I've been pretty busy. :[ But I turned 20 yesterday :]]]

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Free Spirit?

As always, it's freaking 3:23 AM and I should really be sleeping by now, but instead I'm sitting up in bed, typing away in the dark. You know you're jealous.

My question of the day: what does it mean to be a "free spirit?"

I've been thinking of the answer to that since yesterday when I went out to enjoy one of the rare rainy days in southern California with my dogs. Most people I know out here hate the rain -- duh, they're Californians -- but I embrace it. I collared up and tossed both of my 80+ lb Weimaraners in the backseat of my little Honda Civic and, with my CD player blasting The Used, drove out to Belmont Shore to walk in the rain and window shop. On the way back the rain stopped and I put all my windows down, put the volume up on my music, and enj
oyed the wind in my hair and seeing my breath in the cold air inside my car as I sang along to the songs. In that moment, I thought "I'm a free spirit." I felt like one. But then I thought what the hell does that mean? To me, it means doing something unconventional, what most people wouldn't do.. Not being constrained or weighed down by anything.. Really feeling free, whatever that means to you. For me, I always seem to feel that way when I'm driving in my car with the wind in my hair, either coming back from the beach or in the rain. I don't know why; I just do.

So, what
does it mean to be a "free spirit?" What makes you feel like one? :-)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I fall in love with you again.

Love, you make me happy
'Cause Darlin, you love me sweetly,
And I
I'll love you truly
'Cause Heaven only knows how long I'll have you.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Late Resolutions!

click image to source

Okay, so I was thinking about it for a while, and usually people make New Year's Resolutions at the very beginning of the new year, but whatever. I'm late haha. Here are mine:

1. Lose weight: I'm serious this time. I'm setting myself a goal. If I can lose at least 15 lbs within the next three months I shall allow myself to splurge on either an iPod case I've been pining away for the last few weeks or get a really nice designer accessory. (Yay for incentives!) So this ultimately means to cut back on eating out, no eating after dinnertime and no junk food. Welcome to Hell.

2. Break my habit of typing using shorthand or improper capitalization in my blog.

3. Get an A in my statistics class. Me + math = :-( I shall try to fix this.

4. Break my habit of going to bed past 2 am and waking up at 12:30 pm. :-/ I'll try to go for something decent. How about bed no later that 1 am, waking no later than 11 am? Is that still unreasonable?

5. DECIDE A MAJOR BY THE BEGINNING OF MAY (lest I be stuck in the pits of junior college forever!)

6. Spend at least 1 more day with my family per week and cherish it instead of loathe it.

7. Sing more, play more, record more :-D

Number 1 is definitely my highest priority.
The holidays have made me SO chubby :[

But, on the bright side, today I got news that I won Imogen's mascara giveaway! I really admire her and I'm a sucker for beauty gurus, so if you're like me, check her out :]

So, final question: what are your resolutions for 2010? Let me know! :-)

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I don't know why, but I'm just down in the dumps. I'm getting pissed over stuff for no reason... and really stupid stuff too.

It could just be that my female side is acting up, or because I quit a job that I really love today. It just wasn't worth it any more though. :[

I'm being vague and I'm rambling, but I can't be any clearer with people I know reading this. That's funny, isn't it? I can spill my whole heart out to a stranger, but not to friends or family. This probably means that I shouldn't be posting all this online, but it's ok. There's no incriminating evidence on here.

My wishes are:

1. To be older
2. To be rich
3. To ace all my classes this semester
4. To be skinny or at least healthy. Being scared of having a heart attack at night sucks.
5. Figure out who I am and what I want to major in/do as a career

I was going to ramble on a bit more, but I changed my mind.
I'll write more later.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

officially twentyten