Sunday, December 27, 2009

This love -- And some rambling.

If I knew that one day he wouldn't be in my life, I don't think I would want to wake up tomorrow. It seems impossible, this love.. Not that it's hard to be together, just that it seems impossible that I could love someone this much. It's incredible. It's not love the way you love your family. Of course, I love neither more than the other. I would give my all for my family as I would for him. It's just a different love.

It's one that consumes me, to the point of obsession. Whether I have crossed the point, I do not know. This love makes me weak at times, yet it makes me feel strong and invincible, like I can do anything. It makes me feel vulnerable because he knows me inside out, which buttons to push, how to read my face without me having to make a sou

I hope I'm not making anyone gag. I just had to get this out. I've been talking to him about it, but I guess there's only so much "awww" would cover as a response. I just. I don't know what I want to say. I guess I'm here to... vent? Unleash some energy? Maybe that's it.

I wouldn't go as far to say that he's the perfect guy. Obviously, he's not. He doesn't like change, and
he is quick to get upset. When something means a lot to him, he is in no way flexible. He's very small for a guy and looks a bit too young for his age. And yet, his is perfect for ME. He makes me laugh when I am crying. He can put my family in a better mood when I think it's impossible. Whenever I first see him that day he always takes my breath away -- it's like I'm seeing the sun for the first time. My sun.

He is my refuge, my go-to when life gets tough. I think that's also what pisses me off a lot of the time as well. Since I've had him, he's always been my best friend. That's what he was to me at first, before we started dating. I helped him out with his girl problems and he helped me sort out issues I had. But now, I have a best friend who is my lover. I don't have any other go-tos. So, when I'm upset or angry at him, I have no one to vent to but him, still. I don't know if this is a good thing -- it, in a way, forces me to forgive him faster because I miss him -- or a bad thing because I never get anyone else's point of view. Maybe I've made a thousand mistakes that I don't see. I don't know.

In February we will have been together for 3 years. That's a long time, but it seems like just yesterday he was all antsy and embarrassed, waiting for the perfect time to ask me while I waited patiently for him to spit it out. We've both changed so much yet still love each other.

Sometimes I wonder if this will be forever. If he'll be my one and only. I'd like for it to be that way, but I'm also realistic enough to know that in this day and age, it isn't likely. Still, the optimist in me refuses to give up and so I have high hopes that this will work out... But that doesn't make that any less naive haha.

Sometimes I think that I should be 27 instead of 19. I want so many things that I shouldn't want. It's hard to explain while still being vague... which, I guess, means I shouldn't try to explain it. But, still it bugs me. I should be happy that I'm still so young, but I'm so eager to grow up. I need something to make me want to stay young.

I think this concludes my ramblings for one night.

1 comment:

  1. True love is a beautiful thing!

    PS: Thanks for visiting my blog. Stop by any time for a chocolate chip waffle!


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