Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Woe is me.


Woe is Me

Nighttime again
And as usual my longings activate
I want to feel warm
I want to feel safe
Safe from this
Safe from me
Safe from the longings that will never set me free

And I
I just want to stay sane
But everywhere I go I feel this pain

Bring me back down
Fill me up
Make this hole inside me satisfied so I don't disappear

Just don't understand
How can anyone want that misery?
Well give me your tears
I'll paint them pleasing
The drops you discarded make wonders grow

Bring me back down
Fill me up
Make this hole inside me satisfied so I don't disappear

It's the sweetest joy, the wildest woe
The sweetest joy, the wildest woe
The sweetest joy, the wildest woe
The sweetest joy

Monday, December 28, 2009

I'm so excited.

This handsome devil is coming home with me around New Years.
Well, this isn't mine, but he looks like this beautiful Umbrella Cockatoo:

He was the best Christmas gift ever :]

Now, for a name...

I'm gettin' down

to some seriously good tunes right now :]

New CDs for Christmas [the latest from]: Three Days Grace, The Used, Imogen Heap, Skillet, Saosin, Hollywood Undead, Breaking Benjamin

stupid post.

I don't know why I'm doing this on my blog, but I'm so bored.
Plus, it will give me something interesting to look back on, assuming that I will have this blog for a while.
It's a little questionnaire, guys. Don't read it if there's something better out there haha! :]

Who did you last shoot a dirty look at?
I don't know. I don't really shoot dirty looks at anyone.
Have you ever had a garage sale? Nope. We donate to the salvation army.. or throw stuff away.
What color is your iPod? I've been iPod-less since mine got stolen :[
What's for dinner tonight? Dinner's come and gone. We just had leftovers. How divine haha.
What is the last drink you drank? Water. Drink more water!
Last time you were sick? I don't get sick easily. Probably earlier in the year.
How long is your hair? Long. Not Rapunzel long, but almost boob-length.
Are you happy right now? Yes.
What did you say last? Sh!t, I don't remember.
Who came over last? My babe.
Do you drink beer? Nope.
Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
No, my sister is younger. I don't see how that's relevant now,
I suppose I always think of the older sibling saying that.
What is in your pocket? I'm wearing PJs. No pockets.
Who introduced you to your boyfriend or girlfriend? No one did.
What DVD is in your DVD player? I don't have one.
What's something fun you did today? Seeing my babe.
What do you think of when you hear the word "meow"? A cat?
What are you listening to right now? Imogen Heap's new CD. Kind of a disappointment :[ But I still like it :]
What have you had to drink so far today? Water and a sip of Sprite.
When is your birthday? Mar. 28
Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now? The tag says Kmart. Good Lord.
Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror? College parking permit.
How many states in the U.S. have you been to? 3, I think: CA, NV, and does Washington D.C. count as a state?
What are you going to do after this? Talk to my love and wash up.
What is something you need to go shopping for? Dental floss.
What is your favorite kind of gum? Mint.
Do you have any tan lines? No. I hate those.
Who was the last person to call you baby? My boyfriend, but he doesn't call me that anymore.
Has anyone ever sang to you? Yeah.
Has anyone ever given you roses? Yes :D
If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive? I don't know. Maybe?
What is your favorite color? Turquoise.
What color are your eyes? Brown :[
What is a compliment you receive way too often? I don't know that I receive any TOO often. Or often at all, now that I think about it.
How tall are you? 5'4"
Do you like your parents? Most of the time. I'll always love them to pieces, but I don't ALWAYS like them.
Why did your last relationship end? This is still my first. Why am I ashamed to admit that?
Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone? My boyfriend.
Where is the furthest place youve traveled? D.C.
Which do you prefer, to eat or sleep? They're tied.
Do you look more like your mom or your dad? Dad. I have his dark coloring.
How long does it take you to shower? Ten minutes on average.
Can you do splits? No. I got close a couple years ago. Then I quit dancing.
Can you use the grill? Yeah..
What movie do you want to see? Avatar! And District 9
What did you do on New Years Eve 2007? Jeez, I don't remember.
Was your mom a cheerleader? No.
How many hours of sleep did you get last night? 9 I think
Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? All the time. Safety first!
Are you scared of flying? Hell yes.
What do you sleep in? PJ pants and a shirt.
Do you have any tattoos? I will soon:]]
Have you ever been to Los Angeles? Of course.
What is your favorite song at the moment? "Last to Know" by Three Days Grace. I think they're quite possibly my favorite band.
What song do you HATE? Bunches.
Do you like chocolate? I'm a girl, that's a given.
Are you easy to get along with? I think so.
Any upcoming events you're excited about? New Year's Eve.
Sex with more than 25 people? I'm not a slnt. Plus, I'm in a monogamous relationship.
Do you like to cuddle? Yes, but my boy is weird about that. HE likes to be the little spoon >:-[
Have you and a person ever talked about getting married? Yes, but that won't happen for years. :-/ He has big dreams.
What should you be doing right now? Sleeping.
Do you hate the last person you kissed? I couldn't.
Plans tonight? It's 1:13 am. C'mon.
What do you currently hear? "Last to Know" by TDG
When was the last time you watched a horror movie? I'm not into them. A long time ago.
Do you have any drugs in your bedroom? I'm not into that.
What is something that can easily kill your mood? Having to wait, or being rushed.. Getting into an argument.. Being criticized.
Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? How can I forget? We were in my room on my bed one day after school while we were both juniors in high school, and he told me to kiss him. When I was too embarrassed to he kissed me and then said "your turn.":]]
Do you hate the person you fell hardest for, who? How can I hate that? ^
When was the last time you had a late night phone conversation? Every night.
Will you regret your next kiss? Highly doubt it.
Do you ignore people when you're mad or upset with them? Yeah..
Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? So many times :[
Are you a forgiving person? I think so.
Have you ever read an entire book in one day? Oh yea. That's school for you.
Did you sleep in past noon today? Yeahhh :[
Talk to to your last ex lately? No ex.
Is anything annoying you right now? Having to go back to work in a week.
Is this year the best year of your life? No, but it has been a rollercoaster ride.
Is there something you want to tell someone but can't? I'm not sure.
Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your own bed? My babe's bed.
Do you ever think about someone and start crying? Not anymore.
Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now? Always [heart]
Who was the last person you had an argument with? My babe. :[ About freaking dinner. How lame.
How many people have you had feelings for this year? Just one.
Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with? Yes, every day :] And I still kiss him.
What's one of your locked text messages? I'll fill this in when I get my phone.
Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? Yes, I still am considering it.
What is the status with the last person you kissed? Lovers:]
Does anything hurt on your body? Nothing.
Is there a member of the opposite sex that knows everything about you? My babe.
What are you doing for your next birthday?I have no clue.
Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Yes.
What do you spend most of your money on? Food. School. Clothes.
When was the last time you laughed at a text message? Today.
It’s 2 in the morning and you get a text message, who is it most likely? Him.
Do you think if you died that the last person you kissed would even care? He'd break apart. :[
When were you last outside? two hours ago.
Who did you last say I love you to? Aaron, I think :]
Has anyone ever hung up on you? No.
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? Nope.
Have you ever kissed a brown haired person? Nearly every day.
Before you die, would you wish to visit outer space? That's scary..
What if you married the last person you kissed? I would be the happiest woman alive.
Let me guess, your last incoming call was from the opposite sex? Yes.
Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now? Yes..
Are any of your friends virgins? Yes.
Did you sleep alone last night? Yes :[
Do you have anything that belongs to an ex boyfriend/girlfriend? I don't see how.
Is your hair naturally straight? Depends on how it's cut.
Happy because CHRISTMAS is coming up? It's over :[
Have you ever kissed the last person you kissed inside a vehicle? Of course.
Who did you last ride in a car with? My family.
Your ex calls you and tells you he/she wants you back, what do you do? N/A
Does the person you like know you like them? Yes.
Have you ever turned to drinking or smoking to solve a problem? No. I blog. Hahaha.
Have you seen someone recently you used to talk to, but don’t anymore? Yes, that always makes me sad.
Do you think it’s a bunch of sh!t when people say “I have no regrets?" I think so.
Do your parents love you? Yes.
If your best friend needed somewhere to stay, could they live with you? Of course he could.
Where do you want to live when you're older? Ireland. Or here, I suppose.
Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2009? No, I'm not.
Whats something you need to get done? School. Goddamn!t

Sunday, December 27, 2009

This love -- And some rambling.

If I knew that one day he wouldn't be in my life, I don't think I would want to wake up tomorrow. It seems impossible, this love.. Not that it's hard to be together, just that it seems impossible that I could love someone this much. It's incredible. It's not love the way you love your family. Of course, I love neither more than the other. I would give my all for my family as I would for him. It's just a different love.

It's one that consumes me, to the point of obsession. Whether I have crossed the point, I do not know. This love makes me weak at times, yet it makes me feel strong and invincible, like I can do anything. It makes me feel vulnerable because he knows me inside out, which buttons to push, how to read my face without me having to make a sou

I hope I'm not making anyone gag. I just had to get this out. I've been talking to him about it, but I guess there's only so much "awww" would cover as a response. I just. I don't know what I want to say. I guess I'm here to... vent? Unleash some energy? Maybe that's it.

I wouldn't go as far to say that he's the perfect guy. Obviously, he's not. He doesn't like change, and
he is quick to get upset. When something means a lot to him, he is in no way flexible. He's very small for a guy and looks a bit too young for his age. And yet, his is perfect for ME. He makes me laugh when I am crying. He can put my family in a better mood when I think it's impossible. Whenever I first see him that day he always takes my breath away -- it's like I'm seeing the sun for the first time. My sun.

He is my refuge, my go-to when life gets tough. I think that's also what pisses me off a lot of the time as well. Since I've had him, he's always been my best friend. That's what he was to me at first, before we started dating. I helped him out with his girl problems and he helped me sort out issues I had. But now, I have a best friend who is my lover. I don't have any other go-tos. So, when I'm upset or angry at him, I have no one to vent to but him, still. I don't know if this is a good thing -- it, in a way, forces me to forgive him faster because I miss him -- or a bad thing because I never get anyone else's point of view. Maybe I've made a thousand mistakes that I don't see. I don't know.

In February we will have been together for 3 years. That's a long time, but it seems like just yesterday he was all antsy and embarrassed, waiting for the perfect time to ask me while I waited patiently for him to spit it out. We've both changed so much yet still love each other.

Sometimes I wonder if this will be forever. If he'll be my one and only. I'd like for it to be that way, but I'm also realistic enough to know that in this day and age, it isn't likely. Still, the optimist in me refuses to give up and so I have high hopes that this will work out... But that doesn't make that any less naive haha.

Sometimes I think that I should be 27 instead of 19. I want so many things that I shouldn't want. It's hard to explain while still being vague... which, I guess, means I shouldn't try to explain it. But, still it bugs me. I should be happy that I'm still so young, but I'm so eager to grow up. I need something to make me want to stay young.

I think this concludes my ramblings for one night.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

His Lullaby

Leave me a star so we'll always be together
A shining beacon to guide you if you lose your way
I'll look at it and think on your face as I last saw it
Your smile the only true thing in my world

And I'll wait for you
I will wait for you

So many days have I been so close to cracking
And so many nights have I cried
It's your touch that gives me hope, your faith that gives me strength
To go on one more day to see it through

We may be two hearts, but two parts that make us whole
Alone neither one can sustain
From fingertips to toes I have memorized your feel
'Cause when you kissed my lips, you also touched my soul

And I'll wait for you
Whatever you decide
I'll wait for you
And I'll wait for you
My heart is only yours and I'll wait for you

If our paths diverge, make your choice, and don't you worry
Let your heart lead you where you long to be
If life holds that we are meant to be, you'll find your way back
I will be right here, arms readied for your embrace

And I'll wait for you
Whatever you decide
I'll wait for you
And I'll wait for you
If it takes forever I'll wait for you

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

i love this

Be careful if you make a woman cry, for God counts every one of her tears. The woman came out of a man’s rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal, under the arm to be protected and next to the heart to be loved.

my civil war.

This feeling eats my insides out

Consuming me
Confusing me
I want to believe I have a chance

It's plain to see
That this is not for me
No matter how much I wish it so

So I'll try to
Ignore it
But I cannot seem to

Please take me
Oh, chain me
Make me forget that there was ever a time without you
Can't you see
I want you to want me
Force my eyes to open to see the truth that was always there

This insecurity
Threatens to bury me
The longing is the weight that holds me down

I am in the dark
Listening to no one but my heart
And yet you will tell me it is wrong

Please take me
Oh, chain me
Make me forget that there was ever a time without you
Can't you see
I want you to want me
Force my eyes to open to see the truth that was always there

How can I know that this is real?
Trusting is so hard in a world this cruel
Be my anchor, keep me held so close
That only death can pry us apart

This feeling eats my insides out

Thursday, December 10, 2009

letting go

really is the hardest thing. :[
ill always love you, sweetheart.
i know youll be happier where youre going.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

another wish list :]

burberry scarf

starbucks gift card :)

any love spell scented product from victoria's secret

coexist decal

funny stickies and pillow from urban outfitters

i dont think i need to tell you what these are.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

christmas wish list

1. burberry scarf
2. CDs: three days grace, breaking benjamin, skillet, paramore, imogen heap, sarah brightman, lady gaga, etc
3. books
4. iPod touch/nano
5. amazing camera
6. promise-type ring
7. money for tattoos
8. coexist bumper sticker/decal 9. victoria's secret love spell perfume/lotion/body spray
10. exotic earrings
11. picture of ireland for my wall
12. toys/supplies for heidi
13. yummy chocolates/candy/starbucks gift card
14. nice smelling candles
15. makeup/supplies