Tuesday, November 3, 2009

things get harder every day

havent written in a while.
things have been busy.
aaron is sick, so im up by myself trying to get back to doing my midterm after taking a "break." im about halfway done page-wise, but not content-wise.
im tired now but i wanted to finish before going to sleep.
ive been pretty down in the dumps about music. ive thought about quitting this whole band thing altogether because i pretty much feel secondhand. it's hard to find members, esp those interested in having a female vocalist, and with a bf who already is involved in one band. im still so bitter towards them, and ive been feeling it a lot lately. i cant listen to him talk about his other band. i get so angry and jealous that i nearly lose it. i crumble inside and lately ive gotten really bad... i start envisioning some pretty violent shit. it makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me. like, it just doesnt seem normal, and im a pretty patient and peaceful person. i dont ever want to harm people, but with them...

or maybe it is normal. i dont know.
i failed my diet, again.
back to eating nothing tomorrow.

i swear, things are getting harder by the day.

i almost talked to aaron about taking a break the other day too.
it had to do with band stuff and i just havent been the best out there lately.
i think he sensed it, because he convinced me not to, without me ever having to tell him what i was thinking about.
i love him, but i wanted to feel loved. not like a metaphorical punching bag.

i thought of names again, too.
sad, i know, but it keeps me... sane? nah, too melodramatic.
idk it's kinda theraputic for me or something haha.
jeez.

but ok:

1. freya therese (and if i have her with aaron one day, her initials would be FTW! hell ya!)
2. marina isabel
3. alanna belle
4. summer rose
5. avylon/aveline leclaire
6. jack sawyer
7. brody bay
8. chloe avylon
9. jack leonardo
10. sawyer chance

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