Saturday, September 19, 2009

i like these too :]

Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my parents staring into each others eyes. I assumed they were having a romantic moment until I heard my dad say "Darling, I will always be the Champion of Staring Contests so save yourself the trouble and just blink". MLIA

Today, my little sister came home with her progress report, crying. My mom asked her if she would please tell her what was wrong, so my little sister shows my mom her progress report and says,"I got an F in sex". I've never laughed so hard in my life. MLIA

Today, I was riding the Metro train home. At each stop, the driver says "Stand clear, please, doors are closing." Usually they say it with a very flat affect - but my driver decided to switch it up. Every time, he said it differently: operatic voice, rapping, Donald Duck imitation, whispering, and my favorite, with a British accent (saying "Mind the Gap"). Best trip home EVER. MLIA.

Today, a kid in the pre-school class I teach said "son of a bitch" Normally I couldn't care less, but school policy says I have to call the kid's parents to tell them. I told his mom the story, and without a beat said, "did he use it in a gramatically correct sentence?" Guess who is my new favorite parent? MLIA

Today, I recieved a knock on the door from two teenage boys dressed in doctor suits with a giant needle, they asked me if i've seen somebody suspicious lurking around my property, at that exact moment another teenager in a straight jacket runs by and the two chase after him. I still can't stop laughing. MLIA

Today, my child went on this baby website about Disney and I found that her password was 'MickeyGoofyPlutoMinnie' I asked her why it was so long, she replied 'They said it had to be at least 4 characters.'MLIA

Today, I was hanging out with my three cousins. I accidently knocked over their lego castle, and the two older ones were telling the toddler to punch me. I told her to use her words, not her hands. She picked up a book and hit me with it. I have never been more proud. MLIA

Today, my boyfriend came dancing into the kitchen singing my name over and over, just as I was preparing to leave for work. He saw me, blushed and said "Oh, you're still here". Made my day. MLIA

Today at work, I was moving some child mannequins and accidentally placed a girl mannequin and a boy mannequin with their faces together. I quickly turned them away saying "You're too young." A customer saw me and dramatically said "Honestly, kids these days!" slapped the boy mannequin across the face and stomped off. I love my job. MLIA

Today, in my college physical science class, my professor said "this part of the lesson is really boring, so I am going to put on my mullet wig." He then proceeded to pull one of out his bag, place it on his bald head, and teach with a straight face. Never have I enjoyed physical science class so much. MLIA.

Today I was in my last period study hall and didn't have any work. Being tired, I put my hood up and laid my head on the desk and went to sleep. The bell woke me up at the end of the period but when I tried to lift my head I couldn't. My teacher had duck taped my hood to the desk while I was sleeping. MLIA

Today, I came across a man wearing only one shoe. I asked him, "Did you lose a shoe?" He replied "No, I found one." MLIA

Today, I got mad at my mom when she burst into my room without knocking. A little bit later, my dog tapped his head on the door and barked before I let him in. My dog has better manners than my mom. MLIA

Today, I was on Yahoo! creating a new account. After filling in my name, and alternate email it asked for my birthdate. By mistake, I typed an extra digit in the year section, and a little robot came up on the screen asking," Are you really from the future?!" It made my day.

Today I got prank called by someone who asked me if my fridge was running. I ignored the question and hung up. 2 minutes later I heard a knock on my door. I open the door just in time to see someone in a big box painted up like a fridge running away. MLIA

Today, I realised that Sirius Black's Initials spell out S.O.B. He hated his mother. I feel this is oddly appropriate. MLIA

Today, while texting, I typed mua, and my phone's auto-complete feature then suggested muahahahaha. My phone is scaring me now. MLIA

Today, I had to drive my husband's car. Since it was a long drive, I went in search of CD's. I found two burned CD's, both labeled "Brutal Metal for Brutal Men" volumes 3 and 4. They were both entirely full of the Backstreet Boys and Disney songs. I'm on a mission to find the other two volumes. MLIA

Today, I was in health class and my teacher told us a story about how he was telling them the most popular myths about sex. When he told them that you CAN get pregnant the first time he was facing the board and he heard a loud SMACK. He turned around and a girl had slapped her boyfriend yelling, "YOU LIED TO ME!" This made my entire day. MLIA

Today, as I was walking to my bus after school, a guy was walking with his girlfriend in front of me. He was being sweet and looking into her eyes until he ran right into a no parking sign. Then as they kept walking and she laughed at him, he got mad and looked at her again, angry. He ran into the next sign too. MLIA

Today when I got home my mom showed me my old furby she had found. I figured the batteries were dead and put it on my nightstand, when suddenly, in the middle of the night, its eyes opened as it said "me furby. hellooo!" and started laughing hysterically. Never have I been so frightened in my life. MLIA

During improv, we were imitating Shakespeare plays. Someone said "'Twas long and hard!", when the other guy replied "Doth what she hath said". I'm never saying "That's what she said" ever again. MLIA.

Today I was walking into the grocery store when I saw a small boy in a trench coat that was clearly too big for him, suddenly a tall man in a ski mask sprinted around the corner, bowed to the little boy and said "master, things are not going as planned, we'll need another one." he then handed the kid a potato. I've never had so many questions. MLIA

Today while at the gas station, a man walked out with a shirt on that said "Who Needs Drugs?" on the front. Expecting something religious to be on the back, he turns around and I see that the back said "No seriously, I have drugs." My 50 year old mom laughed harder than I did. MLIA.

Today, my mom set her facebook status as: "going to see my oldest daughter, WTF" My other sister and I are debating whether or not to tell her that WTF doesn't mean With The Family. MLIA

Today, I was in the checkout line when I saw a mother and her four year old son. The son was screaming his brains out in hope to get a candy bar, but his mother wasn't taking the performance. He proceeded to scream, "If I don't get my candy bar, I'll tell grandma you put daddy's peepee in your mouth!!". The mother dropped all her groceries, grabbed her kid, and stormed out of the store. I've never laughed so hard. You go, little dude. MLIA

The other day, my sister-in-law told her two and a half year old son that if he gave up his pacifier, she'd give him five dollars, which we all thought was a good idea. He thought about it for a second and then agreed. After the exchange, he said "Can someone take me to buy more?" We all got outsmarted by a toddler. MLIA.

Today I was at the supermarket getting some groceries for dinner when I saw a little toddler with one of those "child leashes" on. as I walked by he turned to his mom and said very indignantly, "mother! I do not see why I must wear this ridiculous thing!" with grammar like that, I don't see why he has to either.

Today, My best friend and her boyfriend were trying to play pool at my house but were having a debate about the rules. My best friend puts down the pool cue, turns to my Mother and says, "Aren't I allowed to hit his balls?!" My Mom replies in all seriousness, "It depends on what he did." I love my Mom. MLIA

Last night, my boyfriend changed his name in my phone to "God." I figured this out this morning when, while texting during my church service, God told me to stop texting during church. MLIA.

Today, a Kanye West song came on my iPod. Disgusted, I immediately changed it. The next song? "Sorry", by Buckcherry. Apology accepted, iPod. MLIA

Today, the doorbell rang and I proceeded to answer it. On my doorstep was a giant cardboard cutout of Snape. I have no idea who left it there, but it is now sitting in my living room, next to my couch. MLIA.

Today, my friend and I decided to watch home videos from when she was around three . Her mom, behind the camera, asked her to count to five and she did . Her mom then asked her if she could count higher . She then proceeded to stand on her chair, raise her hand in the air and count to five again . It made my day . MLIA .

Today, I found out about Mystery Google. I clicked "I'm Feeling Lucky" without typing anything into the search box. It then said "Please don't type gibberish." I proceeded to type 'gibberish' into the box and it said "Well aren't you clever". MLIA

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