Tuesday, September 29, 2009

i got cut! yippee!

i got my hair cut on friday.
i loved it from the moment i got it.
it was long, past my shoulders and down my back.
but now, instead of being long [period], it is now long and
layered.
oh, what a difference! it is now flippy and curly and beautiful. naturally!

haha im sorry, but it sorta makes me feel better about myself.
hurrah!

maybe ill do something like this in the future?




i like how when i go to text the word "kiss" to my boyfriend (using T9), it comes up as "lips" :]

source

new love

guess accessories<3

Monday, September 28, 2009

for future reference


after reading posts from apricot tea and the owl diary, i decided to be really really lame and do this questionnaire for myself (i just hope i dont seem like a huge ass). i'd like to look back on this one day and see how much i changed, though i dont think ill necessarily need to look at this specific survey to figure that out. :]

The Proust Questionnaire:

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? being content while doing absolutely nothing; laying in the arms of someone you are in love with; getting lost in music, whether it be at a concert while singing along with thousands of other ppl to your favorite song (no feeling like it) or playing to yourself; feeling like you helped someone out or made a difference in their day; accepting whatever you have in life and being content with that -- no regrets.

2. What is your greatest fear? both surveys i've read have said something along the lines of "fear itself." im sorry, but im not that wise. im scared of death and the end of the world, as well as losing the people most important to me.

3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? im not sure if deplore was the intended word for this survey... but i have to say my sensitivity. i really have no shell whatsoever. it takes nothing to break me down.

4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? pride of any kind. do not get me started.

5. Which living person do you most admire? my father/mother.

6. What is your greatest extravagance? time. i spend it like i have it all.

7. What is your current state of mind? nonchalant, i would say. im tired, and all the worries about homework and school are going to have to wait until tomorrow.

8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? chastity. im sorry, but there's nothing wrong with some good, old-fashioned lust. virgin or not, it wont make a difference.

9. On what occasion do you lie? when i can make it seem believable, and when i dont want to hurt someone else's feelings.

10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? the extra weight and all that it entails.

11. Which living person do you most despise? a few people that have hurt my boyfriend and me. i despise them equally.

12. What is the quality you most like in a man? the protectiveness. i like feeling safe, wanted, and treasured in a man's arms. i wouldnt mind if mine had a slight jealous streak, either. while charm and humor are always a plus, i'd like to know that my man would shield me from all harm, or at least, want to.

13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? confidence with modesty. i admire that.

14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? "son," "fuck," "i dont know," "whatever," "i love you"

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? my boy <3>16. When and where were you happiest? i experience random bursts of happiness all the time. however, the time i can most vividly remember being happy was on my first date with aaron at knotts berry farm. you would think it was the day he asked me to be his girl, but that's not it i guess. on the way to knotts, he held my hand, played all the love songs on his iPod to me, and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. i still get butterflies thinking about it.

17. Which talent would you most like to have? The ability to play the piano and be a good singer. <--- me too, kristyna. i play and sing, but i can always get better. however, for an original answer, i'd have to say either to dance well or something physical.

18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? besides my appearance? (since thats my obvious answer) ummm... either be less sensitive or more confident.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? writing a whole book in my senior year of high school.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? a bird. ive always wanted to fly. (so not a chicken, penguin, or ostrich, thanks.)

21. Where would you most like to live? ireland. it's my dream to go there and maybe one day live there.

22. What is your most treasured possession? i rarely wear it for fear of losing it or worse, but the cheap little butterfly necklace with "angel" written on it that aaron got me for my 18th birthday.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? life without a love, or losing the love of your life. i cant imagine it.

24. What is your favorite occupation? i have little experience in that department, but i would say something rewarding either as a musician or where you get to save lives. say, in the medical field.

25. What is your most marked characteristic? my size? my hair? or maybe the red dot in my left eye that not many have mentioned to me, but that will prevent me from robbing any banks, should i ever have the sudden urge.

26. What do you most value in your friends? their humor (theyre all guys) and kindness.

27. Who are your favorite writers? stephenie meyer, jodi picoult, dean koontz, jk rowling, liz curtis higgs

28. Who is your hero of fiction? bella swan. sorry, i know it's lame, but really, a heroine who's a normal girl, even weirder and more of an outcast than the rest of us? you go, girl.

29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? i dont know any of them personally, so i cant really say.

30. Who are your heroes in real life? i believe i already answered this.

31. What are your favorite names? marina, freya, isabella, derek, jack. the names of my future kids... well, hopefully only 2 haha :]

32. What is it that you most dislike? loneliness, illness, procrastination, being deceived, being berated and not being able to defend myself, not being able to marry my boyfriend and live with him, my lack of funds.

33. What is your greatest regret? not trying harder when i had the chance.

34. How would you like to die? at peace, painlessly, and quickly.

35. What is your motto? i dont really have one. but "it could be worse" and "tomorrow's a new day" seem to make me feel better at times.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

we danced

last weekend, i told aaron i wanted to dance.
he looked at me with that "you gotta be kidding me look" and i gave him the "cmon, pleeeease?" look right back.

he sighed and i took his hand and we went to his room.
i found the youtube of my favorite love song (nickelback's "far away") and as it started, he cheesily stood up, held out his hand and asked "may i have this dance?"

and he held me close and we danced, just us two, in his room <3


1 word


1. Where is your cell phone? POCKET

2. Your hair? DOWN

3. Your mother? PISCES

4. Your father? ANNOYING

5. Your favorite food? THAI

6. Your dream last night? WINDOWS

7. Your favorite drink? FRAPP

8. Your dream/goal? AARON

9. What room are you in? MINE

10. Your hobby? SINGING

11. Your fear? INFERTILITY

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? MARRIED

13. Where were you last night? AARON'S

14. Something that you aren’t? HAPPY :[

15. Muffins? FULL.

16. Wish list item? MONEY

17. Where did you grow up? SOCAL

18. Last thing you did? TIDY

19. What are you wearing? CLOTHES

20. Your TV? NONE

21. Your pets? DOGS

22. Friends? LOST

23. Your life? LAME

24. Your mood? BLAH

25. Missing someone? OFCOURSE<3

26. Vehicle? VIOLATED

27. Something you’re not wearing? SKIRT

28. Your favorite store? BOOKS

29. Your favorite color? TURQUOISE

30. When was the last time you laughed? LASTNIGHT

31. Last time you cried? DITTO^

32. Your best friend? AARON

33. One place that I go to over and over? MYSPACE

34. One person who emails me regularly? AARON

35. Favorite place to eat? ANYWHERE


*taken from beyond wunderman

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

temptation

the gray wraps around me
im mummified
the silver part has gone missing
either that or lost its shine
i cant let them go, get them out
theyll seep into my soul, get them out
please release me

and when they say, and when they say
it'll all turn out ok
they never wait, they never wait
to see it to the end

it seems like every day i fight something new
there's no way around it, idk what to do
you have no idea, you have no clue
the hidden battles i fight for you

in tearing down this temple
im helpless
but dancing with these shadows
is much too dangerous
so let the rain come down, wash them clean
let the key be found, wash them clean
and release me

it seems like every day i fight something new
there's no way around it, idk what to do
you have no idea, you have no clue
the hidden battles i fight for you

seduced by temptation
my ruin and damnation
ignorance is never bliss
whats the point in fighting this

it will always be there
it will always be there
you will always be there
ALWAYS

it seems like every day i fight something new
there's no way around it, idk what to do
you have no idea, you have no clue
the hidden battles i fight for you

Sunday, September 20, 2009

had a great dream last night.
i dreamed that i was in a bad situation [or what a lot of ppl would consider bad] yet everyone handled it great. ppl were excited for me.
haha i was even getting presents.

strange.
but i know it would never happen that way :[

Saturday, September 19, 2009

i like these too :]

Today, I walked into the kitchen to see my parents staring into each others eyes. I assumed they were having a romantic moment until I heard my dad say "Darling, I will always be the Champion of Staring Contests so save yourself the trouble and just blink". MLIA

Today, my little sister came home with her progress report, crying. My mom asked her if she would please tell her what was wrong, so my little sister shows my mom her progress report and says,"I got an F in sex". I've never laughed so hard in my life. MLIA

Today, I was riding the Metro train home. At each stop, the driver says "Stand clear, please, doors are closing." Usually they say it with a very flat affect - but my driver decided to switch it up. Every time, he said it differently: operatic voice, rapping, Donald Duck imitation, whispering, and my favorite, with a British accent (saying "Mind the Gap"). Best trip home EVER. MLIA.

Today, a kid in the pre-school class I teach said "son of a bitch" Normally I couldn't care less, but school policy says I have to call the kid's parents to tell them. I told his mom the story, and without a beat said, "did he use it in a gramatically correct sentence?" Guess who is my new favorite parent? MLIA

Today, I recieved a knock on the door from two teenage boys dressed in doctor suits with a giant needle, they asked me if i've seen somebody suspicious lurking around my property, at that exact moment another teenager in a straight jacket runs by and the two chase after him. I still can't stop laughing. MLIA

Today, my child went on this baby website about Disney and I found that her password was 'MickeyGoofyPlutoMinnie' I asked her why it was so long, she replied 'They said it had to be at least 4 characters.'MLIA

Today, I was hanging out with my three cousins. I accidently knocked over their lego castle, and the two older ones were telling the toddler to punch me. I told her to use her words, not her hands. She picked up a book and hit me with it. I have never been more proud. MLIA

Today, my boyfriend came dancing into the kitchen singing my name over and over, just as I was preparing to leave for work. He saw me, blushed and said "Oh, you're still here". Made my day. MLIA

Today at work, I was moving some child mannequins and accidentally placed a girl mannequin and a boy mannequin with their faces together. I quickly turned them away saying "You're too young." A customer saw me and dramatically said "Honestly, kids these days!" slapped the boy mannequin across the face and stomped off. I love my job. MLIA

Today, in my college physical science class, my professor said "this part of the lesson is really boring, so I am going to put on my mullet wig." He then proceeded to pull one of out his bag, place it on his bald head, and teach with a straight face. Never have I enjoyed physical science class so much. MLIA.

Today I was in my last period study hall and didn't have any work. Being tired, I put my hood up and laid my head on the desk and went to sleep. The bell woke me up at the end of the period but when I tried to lift my head I couldn't. My teacher had duck taped my hood to the desk while I was sleeping. MLIA

Today, I came across a man wearing only one shoe. I asked him, "Did you lose a shoe?" He replied "No, I found one." MLIA

Today, I got mad at my mom when she burst into my room without knocking. A little bit later, my dog tapped his head on the door and barked before I let him in. My dog has better manners than my mom. MLIA

Today, I was on Yahoo! creating a new account. After filling in my name, and alternate email it asked for my birthdate. By mistake, I typed an extra digit in the year section, and a little robot came up on the screen asking," Are you really from the future?!" It made my day.

Today I got prank called by someone who asked me if my fridge was running. I ignored the question and hung up. 2 minutes later I heard a knock on my door. I open the door just in time to see someone in a big box painted up like a fridge running away. MLIA


Today, I realised that Sirius Black's Initials spell out S.O.B. He hated his mother. I feel this is oddly appropriate. MLIA

Today, while texting, I typed mua, and my phone's auto-complete feature then suggested muahahahaha. My phone is scaring me now. MLIA


Today, I had to drive my husband's car. Since it was a long drive, I went in search of CD's. I found two burned CD's, both labeled "Brutal Metal for Brutal Men" volumes 3 and 4. They were both entirely full of the Backstreet Boys and Disney songs. I'm on a mission to find the other two volumes. MLIA

Today, I was in health class and my teacher told us a story about how he was telling them the most popular myths about sex. When he told them that you CAN get pregnant the first time he was facing the board and he heard a loud SMACK. He turned around and a girl had slapped her boyfriend yelling, "YOU LIED TO ME!" This made my entire day. MLIA

Today, as I was walking to my bus after school, a guy was walking with his girlfriend in front of me. He was being sweet and looking into her eyes until he ran right into a no parking sign. Then as they kept walking and she laughed at him, he got mad and looked at her again, angry. He ran into the next sign too. MLIA

Today when I got home my mom showed me my old furby she had found. I figured the batteries were dead and put it on my nightstand, when suddenly, in the middle of the night, its eyes opened as it said "me furby. hellooo!" and started laughing hysterically. Never have I been so frightened in my life. MLIA

During improv, we were imitating Shakespeare plays. Someone said "'Twas long and hard!", when the other guy replied "Doth what she hath said". I'm never saying "That's what she said" ever again. MLIA.

Today I was walking into the grocery store when I saw a small boy in a trench coat that was clearly too big for him, suddenly a tall man in a ski mask sprinted around the corner, bowed to the little boy and said "master, things are not going as planned, we'll need another one." he then handed the kid a potato. I've never had so many questions. MLIA

Today while at the gas station, a man walked out with a shirt on that said "Who Needs Drugs?" on the front. Expecting something religious to be on the back, he turns around and I see that the back said "No seriously, I have drugs." My 50 year old mom laughed harder than I did. MLIA.

Today, my mom set her facebook status as: "going to see my oldest daughter, WTF" My other sister and I are debating whether or not to tell her that WTF doesn't mean With The Family. MLIA

Today, I was in the checkout line when I saw a mother and her four year old son. The son was screaming his brains out in hope to get a candy bar, but his mother wasn't taking the performance. He proceeded to scream, "If I don't get my candy bar, I'll tell grandma you put daddy's peepee in your mouth!!". The mother dropped all her groceries, grabbed her kid, and stormed out of the store. I've never laughed so hard. You go, little dude. MLIA

The other day, my sister-in-law told her two and a half year old son that if he gave up his pacifier, she'd give him five dollars, which we all thought was a good idea. He thought about it for a second and then agreed. After the exchange, he said "Can someone take me to buy more?" We all got outsmarted by a toddler. MLIA.

Today I was at the supermarket getting some groceries for dinner when I saw a little toddler with one of those "child leashes" on. as I walked by he turned to his mom and said very indignantly, "mother! I do not see why I must wear this ridiculous thing!" with grammar like that, I don't see why he has to either.

Today, My best friend and her boyfriend were trying to play pool at my house but were having a debate about the rules. My best friend puts down the pool cue, turns to my Mother and says, "Aren't I allowed to hit his balls?!" My Mom replies in all seriousness, "It depends on what he did." I love my Mom. MLIA

Last night, my boyfriend changed his name in my phone to "God." I figured this out this morning when, while texting during my church service, God told me to stop texting during church. MLIA.

Today, a Kanye West song came on my iPod. Disgusted, I immediately changed it. The next song? "Sorry", by Buckcherry. Apology accepted, iPod. MLIA

Today, the doorbell rang and I proceeded to answer it. On my doorstep was a giant cardboard cutout of Snape. I have no idea who left it there, but it is now sitting in my living room, next to my couch. MLIA.

Today, my friend and I decided to watch home videos from when she was around three . Her mom, behind the camera, asked her to count to five and she did . Her mom then asked her if she could count higher . She then proceeded to stand on her chair, raise her hand in the air and count to five again . It made my day . MLIA .

Today, I found out about Mystery Google. I clicked "I'm Feeling Lucky" without typing anything into the search box. It then said "Please don't type gibberish." I proceeded to type 'gibberish' into the box and it said "Well aren't you clever". MLIA

nice dream and secret longings.


i had a dream the other night, and it was finally a good one with aaron in it.
he was actually the guy i felt
in love with. amazing!
we were riding in a car on the way to the mountains and he was driving with one arm around me.
i dont know. i sat so close to him and looked in his eyes and my heart just melted.
haha whoever is reading this must be close to gagging right now.
but yeah. i felt loved. special. and it was finally with him. i usually always dream of him but he ends up being wayyy different but and in someone else's skin. the only way i know it's him is cuz his name is still aaron. usually.

i dont know, it was a very simple dream but it made me feel very happy.

on another note, i feel like i should be like 8 years older than i am.
im so ready to settle down and get married and have a family and all that ish.
i mean, what the hell is wrong with me? im 19! goddamn!
i know it's wrong and yadda yadda and no worries, i would never act on these feelings... but jeez. what, is my biological clock ready to give out or something? haha... it's stupid, but whatever.
i just had to get it out.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

coping.

after quite a few trips to the doctor and my gyno, i was diagnosed with having PCOS yesterday. talk about a bummer :[ i mean, it's supposedly pretty common -- about 10% of women have this disease -- but it still sucks.

but polycystic ovaries... me? whaaaat?
yeah, i guess.

i dont know if it's because of my weight or not. i know weight and PCOS have a lot to do with each other, but none of my other relatives have it and most of them are pretty fluffy people. after reading about a lot of other women's stories on the internet, i feel a little better b/c i dont think mine is as severe as it can get. i dont know if ill ever have trouble having children or become infertile or what not -- god forbid -- but i do know that some of the other symptoms have yet to appear... or if i do have them, theyre minor enough so that they dont bother me and im not incredibly aware.

still, it sucks.
it's not something that can be cured... it's something that u gain control over by changing your lifestyle. :-/ that's not too horrible, right? i mean, it's not like it's a fatal disease. it's just something about being a woman that makes it a little more sucky. i mean, who wants excess facial hair, a deeper voice, darker/rougher skin, and acne, as well as a messed up reproductive system? count me out!

but i guess it wouldnt be too hard to deal with.
changing up diet and exercise, taking the prescribed meds... not too bad.
but i dont wanna have to deal with it, you know?

im 19. im supposed to be livin it up. not doing 1200 daily calorie diets, or worrying if ill ever be healthy enough to have children one day.
i suppose im making it out to be a bigger deal than it really is.
but at least im taking it seriously enough so that im motivated enough to change it, right?

ahaha im not letting myself be sad. i got that out of my system yesterday.

now im just like... ok, where do i go from here?

hopefully that surgery will improve things and everything will go back to normal...
well, it wont ever be normal again if i have surgery, but ill look and feel like a regular human being.

i wish december would come already.
im ready to be skinny and happy and take on the challenge.


haha well, at least i have answers now. i always thought that... well, idk.
i dont wanna go into it, honestly hahaha.


but, if you are reading this and youre a woman, take care of your body.
try to get at a healthy weight and exercise.
if you think there's something wrong with you, there probably is, so get yourself checked.
there are so many things you dont know about your own body.
lastly, dont take anything for granted.
appreciate everything you have, even if it's a disease and it sucks, or if you are in a bad situation.
ANYTHING can be worse than it is.

idk.
that's what i learned.


and this is probably the only time ill ever talk about this.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

hardy har har!

Today, a teacher, who is British, interrupted our class. He wanted his two students to retake their tests in the back of our class. He referred to them as his "Two Testees", and strictly demanded that his testees be separated. I don't remember laughing that hard, ever. MLIA.

In Marching band we spell out the word LOVE for the song "Love Shack" for one of the sets. Our Drum Major yelled, "Okay we're going to make love but you only have 32 counts to do it so it'll be quick." And our Band Director said "Story of your life." MLIA

Today in Latin class I found out that the Latin word for "spy" is "exploradora". I am now very suspicious of Dora the Explorer. MLIA

Today, I was in the music section at Barnes and Noble when I noticed their "Soul" section was empty. This amused me, so I turned to a nearby employee and said "It appears you have no soul." Without missing a beat, he replied "Working for a big corporation for years will do that to you." Made my day. MLIA

Today, while driving to work I passed a Catholic Church who's sign read "Happy Rosh Hashanah to our Jewish Neighbors." Next to the the church is a synagogue who's sign read "Thank You!" Its nice to know that they get along despite thier differences. MLIA

Today, while taking the city bus home from college, I saw a man with one arm. He was wearing a long sleeved shirt and had the empty sleeve tucked into the front of his pants, making it look like he was touching himself in public. For half an hour, whenever a new person got on the bus, they would glance at him and give him a disgusted look, and he would laugh. I gave him a thumbs up when I got off the bus. MLIA.

Today, I had to take a test in my AP Biology class. The second to last test question was "Make a barnyard animal noise. You have 10 seconds to comply." I looked up, confused, and saw my teacher staring intently at me. He mouthed the word "Go" and tapped his watch. I mooed. The rest of the testing period was completely silent, except for the occasional clucking, neighing, and mooing. MLIA.

:]]

btw talk like a pirate day is on saturday! you gonna parrrrrticipate, matey? ;-)