Tuesday, August 11, 2009

growing up is hard to do

im so eager to just grow up and live on my own, but i know that it's not a good move right now. im young, i dont have enough money, im still in school, it's a waste of money right now, la la la. but still, i cant help but want to. i seem to fight with myself about it. i think, oh, im not that young. i have friends that have moved out already, i can handle the responsibilities. i honestly believe that. but sure, then comes the money argument, and i cave in to myself. it sucks. but sometimes i wonder how i would fare. [is that the right word?]

im just so READY, emotionally. it's a bummer.

but then sometimes i think of my parents, and how they annoy me yet make things easier for me and how much i love them. then i feel guilty. my mom would, of course, throw in some melodramatic statements that accuse me of not loving her if i ever brought it up, which would make me feel doubly guilty yet pissed off since all she can do is play the "pity me" card.

but when i think of what my life will be like once i move out, it seems worth it, the struggle and the guilt. i'd have so much freedom. no more nagging, no more obligations to anyone other than myself or whoever im with. but then again, what would i do with all that freedom? im not a party animal. i dont stay out late in the street. i go to bed late, but i can do that at home. sure i'd cook whatever i wanted and go wherever i pleased, but would i still be able to do that with little money?

and if i moved out with the boy, it would make things a lot nicer.
but still.

i dont know...

and it doesnt help that i have so many career choices in mind that i cant choose.
[and im going into year 2 of college. yikes!]

careers i have in mind:

1. surgeon: neurosurgeon, or one specializing in pediatrics
2. obstetrician: each day im leaning more towards this than neurosurgeon, which i had planned on
3. RN: nice, flexible hours
4. makeup artist: this would just be FUN!
5. voice actor [think voice-overs for cartoons and such]
6. translator
7. a tour guide would be awesome, but there's no future in that

and this would be if music doesnt work out, cuz i want that the most...
to be a singer in a successful band... ahh, that's such a dream.

but right now it's not looking so great.
i wish those two guys would come back and play for the band instead of kicking me out [which basically was like them walking away from the band cuz my boy is still on guitar. it's complicated.] since we already have a drummer.

my boy's old band was filled with drama queens. every one of them was one. i swear they just looked to cause problems. so, of course, he was kicked out. it's kinda funny. the one that actually had a solution was booted out. ultimately, this caused the band to fall apart. kinda sad, really.
idk why, theyre all older. you would think that it would mean that theyre more mature, but sadly, my boy was the most mature one there [and, i should add, the smartest]. i guess having a lower IQ doesnt do much for maturity, even if you are older. im not biased here, either. they all are on the bit of the dim side, which you could see clearly from their histories with school and the choices theyve made in their lives.

it's just sad that boy had to get caught up with those ppl.
i knew that they werent great ppl from the get-go. i never wanted to be around them much. i did a few times, and i learned all i needed to know from them. theyre good ppl, just not too smart and not too mature. i didnt click with them at all, but they have good hearts, i give them that much.

idk. this blog kinda drifted off into nowhere...
maybe i should end it haha.

til next time. <3

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