Friday, June 26, 2009

i didnt think it would hit me this hard

but it did.
i grew up knowing his name, listening to his songs.
he's such a huge icon; i cant believe he's gone forever.

honestly, i didnt believe the reports when they first went up.

i hoped that they were false.

but they werent.

it all feels so surreal.
no matter what you did here, i hope you RIP Michael Jackson :[

Thursday, June 25, 2009

jack dawsons dont exist.

i just watched the titanic for the first time ever.
omfg i never cried so much during a movie before, and i cry a LOT during movies too haha.
i cried when they first kissed, when rose hopped off the lifeboat and onto the ship again, when jack let go of her hand underwater, when he made her promise to never let go, when he froze, and when rose died in the end.

yes, i think that's it hahahaha.

but that's my new favorite movie.

i just wished that kinda love was real :[

oh and p.s. dont watch that movie the same night that you have a fight with your boyfriend. it makes you want to break up with him and look for your own personal jack dawson. :[

Sunday, June 21, 2009


sometimes i feel like i really dont have any anymore.
i suspect that my mother reads my journal whenever i leave it at home... so now i start taking it everywhere i go, since it's little enough to stick in my purse.
ill hear her mention things or reference topics that i had written about the previous day or from the latest entry. maybe it's just coincidence but it's happened often, so i think i may have to scratch that.

im on a whole bunch of networking sites: myspace, twitter, facebook, netlog, here, youtube, i have AIM... im a social networking site junkie. and now my family wants me to add their accounts on all of those as well. um thanks but no thanks, ya know? i tend to curse like a sailor, discuss subjects that may be inappropriate, and my taste in humor is somewhat vulgar as well. im not exactly keen on them being exposed to that haha. all my friends are accustomed to it, or are like that. my family... eh, they wouldn't be impressed in the slightest.

in addition, my boyfriend is upset that i keep a journal. he argues that i should be able to tell him everything... and while that may be true, i believe that we all need a little bit of private personal space. i vent in my journal [mostly about him], i make crazy weird lists, i draw, i talk about longings and conflicts i have within myself. i have my own secrets. i think if i made everything like that public to people like my mom and my boyfriend... eh, someone's going to get hurt.
but no, he doesnt necessarily get it. i pulled out my journal yesterday to do a quick sketch of a picture he had on his phone because im going to recreate it on a shoe [yeah, strange, i know] and all of a sudden he snatches it and starts reading it. he questioned what i wrote and i told him "hey, i never agreed to that. i dont owe you any explanations, dude."

none of us mean what we say when we're angry. when i vent, i can be mean. so rather than tell it to my bf's face, i write about it [so i can fall asleep and not be kept up by my thoughts as well]. most of the time i look back on the entries and either shudder in embarrassment, cringe due to the harshness, or realize, hey, i need to do something about this reoccuring issue.

i dont know. am i wrong in thinking this? SHOULD i be more open about stuff like that, even if i know that he's going to react negatively to something?

sometimes, for other people, ignorance is bliss. or would it be considered lying for omission is the same as a lie?


Thursday, June 11, 2009

CA sucks

i just got a letter in the mail regarding my cal grant money [money that is given freely to college students of certain financial status].

well, i read it and saw that i got awarded $1, 551 and i got alllll excited.
next to it, they printed "withdrawn." WTF?

uh, yea. "Due to state budget cuts, amounts are subject to change and may be withdrawn."

fnck CA man.

they sent me a letter saying that they gave me money then took it away.

sheesh. why even tell me at this point? haaaaa.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

sometimes i wonder

if we were meant to be together.
i have dreams all the time where im with a guy and like, call me w/e you want but you FEEL like you actually love that person in the dream. it's incredibly weird. but it's never him. sometimes it's some other guy i know and sometimes it's someone ive never seen before.

it's really creepy, it feels like i love that person more than who i really have.
i never tell him any of this.

so is my mind playing tricks on me?
am i subconsciously wishing that he was someone else?
or is it my brain's way of telling me, hey, wake up, look at what you could have!

i think im looking into this too much.

my dreams are pretty fncked sometimes haha.

Monday, June 1, 2009