Tuesday, May 19, 2009

i am sad. i want a guy...

sometimes i dont know what possesses him to say the things he says.

i was busy writing my paper for english tonight and all of a sudden, he is mad at the world and he hates living and he says he wants to die. don't worry -- he's not depressed or bipolar or anything. at least, not according to any clinical definition. he says that he wont take his life or anything but he wishes that something out of nowhere will end him. he used getting run over by a truck as an example.

this scares me.

it's happened before, and it has gone away but i always hate it. somehow, it always feels like some sort of personal attack on my part. im his girlfriend. im supposed to make all of these feelings go away right? this means im not doing my job :[ and, according to him, even i hold no appeal. i am no reason for him to live either. now, i know this is a bit melodramatic but jeez, it still hurts the heart. he is the reason that i do so many things i do. he makes me whole. and then to hear this from him is just like... wow. what do i mean to you? you know?

i know it's not about me, and that he's frustrated because of his music... yeah, i guess musicians get that way. and it's hard to listen to this too because so many times i get so envious and jealous of his songwriting talent that it drives me crazy. but, i still listen. and no matter how many times i try to assure him that he is amazing and talented, i know he doesnt believe me, and he says so. too bad he doesnt know that i mean it. even if he wasnt my boyfriend, i would still feel the same way about his music. he's that good.

it's just so hard sometimes.

sometimes i dont know if i really want to be with him. i mean, we talk to each other and about the future like we are going to be together for the rest of our lives, but sometimes i really dont know. he is and isnt my prince charming. im in love with him and i do love him, but when i compare him to what my prince charming would be, he is incredibly lacking. i guess it's my fault then. shouldnt i be happy with what i have? i dont know... i want a guy who is going to sweep me off my feet, a guy that wants to see me because he loves me and is not afraid or hesitant to show and tell the whole world... a guy that will hold my hand, kiss me in front of strangers, and hold me close always. a guy that goes out of his way to be romantic, that would sacrifice anything for me. a guy that listens to my ideas and doesnt put them down. a guy that needs only me to be happy. a guy that respects my interests and opinions and doesnt call them dumb, stupid, or tell me that i dont know what im talking about.

this makes me sound selfish and b!tchy doesnt it? haaaa.

im sorry.

idk... i really do love my boyfriend with all my heart. normally im happy with him.

but sometimes i can only see what i dont have. :[

im going to be running on about 5 hours of sleep now but since i cant talk to him, i guess im on here to spew my thoughts.

i feel so alone right now. isnt it weird? i have him. sometimes i do call him my prince charming. but sometimes i can be sitting right next to him and still feel lost and alone.

perhaps tomorrow will be better.

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