Sunday, May 31, 2009

i am ashamed of what the world's come to

if you havent seen this story yet, here's a link:|main|dl1|link3|

i just cant believe all the crazies that approve of this man's murder.
it's horrific.
think of how many women he's helped...
you cant just kill someone because you THINK it's wrong.
he was just doing his job, it was legal.
it just... it makes me sad to see what the world's come to.
i was reading the comments under this story and i saw things that read "he shouldve been stopped a long time ago" and "yes, the baby killer has been killed!" or something to that effect...

it's horrible.

if you don't agree with abortion, i'd assume youre against killing in general.
then why, oh why, would you condone the killing of this man?
wouldnt that make you hypocritical?

idk i was just wondering...

RIP Dr. George Tiller.

my heart goes out to his family.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

B.I.D. list

i decided to make a list of things i would like to do before i die. hence the B.I.D. list.

1. record an album
2. swim with dolphins
3. spend the night on the beach with the significant other
4. meet a celebrity
5. run a marathon/take on a biking challenge
6. change someone's life for the better
7. sing for a real audience

8. go to ireland
9. help out poor kids in africa/south america
10. learn to play the violin, flute, and guitar [decently]
11. learn to speak french, cambodian, flemish, italian, and german.
12. improve my spanish so that i can speak it fluently
13. hang out with friends and have an adventure that lasts until dawn of the next morning
14. enter a poker tournament and actually get in the money [unlikely!]
15. get a tattoo [soon? i need ideas!]
16. learn to ballroom dance.
17. find a southern person that doesnt like fried chicken. :] haha
18. go to butterfly gorge and see all the butterflies :]]]
19. go parachuting. or something like that. but the idea of skydiving scares me.
20. have a family and kids and all that ish.

i shall definitely add to this list!
i better get crackin tho ;-)

Thursday, May 28, 2009

lame attempt

where have you gone?
it's not the same without you here.
lost and alone doesnt cover it,
i feel like im on the wrong side.

because when you left i lost everything i had
and yet it's all right here
when you went and gone i wept
but im still lost and im bone dry

the days just keep on passing
the pity rains down on me in storms
they tell me to keep on living, be strong
but i feel like im on the wrong side

because when you left i lost everything i had
and yet it's all right here
when you went and gone i wept
but im still lost and im bone dry

this is not a love song
im not waiting for your return
it's a sad lament for what ive become
it's a bridge that i can't burn

because you left me [you left me]
you broke me [you broke me]
but i cant blame you for it all
because i know [i know]
im still clinging [still clinging]
to each and everything

because when you left i lost everything i had
and yet it's all right here
when you went and gone i wept
but im still lost and im bone dry

this sounds like every other song out there haha.
but that's my lame attempt at lyrics for this evening.

good enough.

i may have an unusual taste in music, so excuse me while i indulge myself here.
i was on youtube just now and i came across evanescence videos. since i have both their CDs, i decided to take a look at the "good enough" video. it was beautiful.

ive never been fond of the song, but after reading the lyrics and watching the video im in love with it. i am so lame haha.


i think it's beautiful...
maybe because i can relate.

"Good Enough"

Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.

I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.

Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough.

It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me,

'cause I can't say no.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

i love you but i hate you.

sometimes i really hate my father.

since when has it been ok to abuse helpless animals just because youre upset with your pathetic life?

since when has it been ok to give away half of your night's earnings to an employee who merely delivers food to your tables when you cant even pay your own bills and when that employee is getting paid by the fncking company as well? he's making more than you while only doing half the work youre doing.

meanwhile at home, youre making your wife work YOUR SECOND JOB because youre too tired/lazy/inconsiderate to do it yourself. you lie in bed while she runs around doing her job as a supervisor and, on top of that, your assignments as a merchandiser.
and it's not like she gets to keep the money either.

since when has it been justifiable to blame everyone in your family for everything that goes wrong in your life without first looking at what youve been doing?

you sit and whine about your illnesses and claim youre too sick to work.
meanwhile, the bills are adding up.

why did you act like a charming gentleman when your wife's sister and brother-in-law were here, claiming that yes, we will all go visit you soon in belgium, and then when they were safely back on the plane, say to your wife that you would never allow her to go to see her family?

you're an ugly person sometimes.
sometimes im ashamed of you.
i love you for all that youve done for me, for how hard youve worked for me,
but i hate you for all the wrong youve done when you know better and preach differently.

im so upset right now.
i want to go in a freaking china shop with a baseball bat and demolish some sh!t.

it's dinner time.

Friday, May 22, 2009

i have the hardest time coming up with titles

hello summertime!
finished my last final of the semester today at 930 AM.
i am freeeeeee! :]]

haha, im sorry, but i am SO ready for summer, even if i hate the heat.
perhaps im not truly a cali girl, but that's ok.
i love everything about this state except for 3 things:

a) the heat. i detest hot weather.
b) people do not seem to care enough to conserve water even though we're in a fncking drought.
c) prop 8 got passed

as you can see, im pretty passionate about those things ahah.
i hope im not getting judged or offending anyone by letter c.
it's a highly controversial topic, so i understand.
but it does piss me off that it got passed.
whatever happened to equality, ya know?
alright i guess ill shutup about it before this blog turns into a full-fledged rant. im not here to shove my beliefs down your throat and that's what ill end up doing if i go into that topic aha.
idk if im liberal as they come, but im definitely on that side of the spectrum, so im sorry if i offend anyone.

but yeahhhhhhh.

im listening to tyrone wells online right now.
his music is great! my favorite is "sink or swim."
i found him through my sister. if you like rock/pop/mainstream sound, then check him out!

i was going to say something but i really dont remember what it was now... damn.

oh yes now i know.

while im on the subject of music, im looking for a vocal coach to make my voice stronger.
if there are any singers out there that know of any helpful tips or vocal instructors, drop a word in the comments. i'd really appreciate it :]

i dont know.
im trying to go for a paramore/evanescence type of sound.
i sound more like evanescence right now but i wanna fuse them together somehow, so im trying to figure out how to do that.

this was not what i was planning to say on here.
im just rambling now.
sorry >.<

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


i feel it coming up from deep inside me
like my insides are crawling out from within me
the dark, dank ghost of what i had buried
is the tears on my face that ignites the fury as the

black, black night descends around me as
cold, cold seas toss and knock me while it
ring, ring, rings inside my head, and i don't feel a thing
i don't feel a thing.

it's always like this when it's over
the shades come up but it's dark and forlorn
and it never rains in the desert but this time
youre a flood and im drowning and in my mind i see that

black, black night descends around me as
cold, cold seas toss and knock me while it
ring, ring, rings inside my head, and i don't feel a thing
i don't feel a thing.

you cant step on something you made to be the smallest thing
and you cant wash down the hurt, forever numb the feeling
so as you try, try, try
the pieces die, die, die,
die, die
die, die
and you'll find out
you'll find out,
oh you just watch and you'll find out that

black, black night descends around you as
cold, cold seas toss and knock you while it
ring, ring, rings inside your head, and you won't feel a thing
you won't feel a thing.


there are a whole lot of thoughts going around in my head right now.

1. im scared of the earthquakes. we had another mini one today. i couldnt feel it, but knowing that it happened freaks me out.
2. i dont want to go to the dentist tomorrow.
3. why the hell did i volunteer to work next thursday?
4. i want to make lyrics but i lost all inspiration after talking to my bf on the phone earlier.
5. im getting tired now.
6. i like blogging but sometimes i feel silly -- like im talking to myself.
7. hm that's it.


have a happy wednesday all. im off to bed again.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009



i am sad. i want a guy...

sometimes i dont know what possesses him to say the things he says.

i was busy writing my paper for english tonight and all of a sudden, he is mad at the world and he hates living and he says he wants to die. don't worry -- he's not depressed or bipolar or anything. at least, not according to any clinical definition. he says that he wont take his life or anything but he wishes that something out of nowhere will end him. he used getting run over by a truck as an example.

this scares me.

it's happened before, and it has gone away but i always hate it. somehow, it always feels like some sort of personal attack on my part. im his girlfriend. im supposed to make all of these feelings go away right? this means im not doing my job :[ and, according to him, even i hold no appeal. i am no reason for him to live either. now, i know this is a bit melodramatic but jeez, it still hurts the heart. he is the reason that i do so many things i do. he makes me whole. and then to hear this from him is just like... wow. what do i mean to you? you know?

i know it's not about me, and that he's frustrated because of his music... yeah, i guess musicians get that way. and it's hard to listen to this too because so many times i get so envious and jealous of his songwriting talent that it drives me crazy. but, i still listen. and no matter how many times i try to assure him that he is amazing and talented, i know he doesnt believe me, and he says so. too bad he doesnt know that i mean it. even if he wasnt my boyfriend, i would still feel the same way about his music. he's that good.

it's just so hard sometimes.

sometimes i dont know if i really want to be with him. i mean, we talk to each other and about the future like we are going to be together for the rest of our lives, but sometimes i really dont know. he is and isnt my prince charming. im in love with him and i do love him, but when i compare him to what my prince charming would be, he is incredibly lacking. i guess it's my fault then. shouldnt i be happy with what i have? i dont know... i want a guy who is going to sweep me off my feet, a guy that wants to see me because he loves me and is not afraid or hesitant to show and tell the whole world... a guy that will hold my hand, kiss me in front of strangers, and hold me close always. a guy that goes out of his way to be romantic, that would sacrifice anything for me. a guy that listens to my ideas and doesnt put them down. a guy that needs only me to be happy. a guy that respects my interests and opinions and doesnt call them dumb, stupid, or tell me that i dont know what im talking about.

this makes me sound selfish and b!tchy doesnt it? haaaa.

im sorry.

idk... i really do love my boyfriend with all my heart. normally im happy with him.

but sometimes i can only see what i dont have. :[

im going to be running on about 5 hours of sleep now but since i cant talk to him, i guess im on here to spew my thoughts.

i feel so alone right now. isnt it weird? i have him. sometimes i do call him my prince charming. but sometimes i can be sitting right next to him and still feel lost and alone.

perhaps tomorrow will be better.

Monday, May 18, 2009

only in socal

will people love earthquakes, consider them fun, and be stoked about having one.

i feel like im the only one down here that gets terrified right after one.


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

something pretty

to balance out the negativity in my blogs for today.

retro. Pictures, Images and Photos

random ramblings

sometimes i really resent myself.

all too often i look back on the past wishing i had done such and such differently and regretting that i had slacked off, or that i stopped caring. im in college now and i cant help but look back and realize that if i had only tried a tad harder or worked instead of coasting through my last year of high school that things wouldve been a lot different. maybe i wouldve gotten more scholarships and gone to a great school.

and now i look back on what ive done these past 2 semesters and im kicking my own @ss for it. i slacked off. i never tried. granted, i got As and Bs but until now i never realized how important it was for me to keep the highest GPA possible... i want to be a surgeon for god's sake. i should be dedicated haha. i always take shortcuts though :-( [i can imagine future patients writing my name down for future reference: dont go to this doctor! haha]

but really. i couldve easily gotten all As, but i never cracked open a freaking textbook.

regret leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.
i guess that's why you should always listen to your mothers [or fathers].
try hard, even when u dont want to. always do ur best.
i didnt. im paying for it now! :[


at any rate, i went to the gym today and it felt good.
my day sucked overall, but somehow it didnt matter as much.
woot woot for the release of endorphins! haha.


my mom was sick today too. shes the type of person that you rarely find sitting down for more than ten minutes at a time. shes always rushing around doing something. shes usually in and out of the house, running around here and there. but today she laid in the couch for the whole afternoon and just slept and i was the one taking care of her.

it feels really strange when the roles are reversed.
my dad has been sick before. that's not strange for me.
however, my mom is like my superman. when she is sick, you know it's BAD.
she's hardly ever sick... the last time she had more than a bit of the sniffles it was like more than 6 years ago.

today she came back from the doctor who told her that if she had waited for much longer, she wouldve died. granted, they dont know what she has but that piece of news is dramatic all the same.

jeez. it's like happy mothers day haha.
she'll be ok though.

it was just kind of a bizarre day.

oh and if youre not from the US and youre reading this, you probably have heard this all already: the US healthcare system sucks big time. i dont know how many problems my family has had but oh my goodness. lets trade insurances please?

im reading to kick my insurance representative in the face.

my bf & i

have the best and worst luck when it comes to school... kinda haha.

i swear, my boyfriend must be half psychic or something. once in a while -- actually, no, let's rephrase that. almost every time we actually ditch class [as opposed to wishing we could while dragging our lazy asses to lecture] it ends up being canceled. so while we're feeling free and rebellious, it always ends abruptly with the news that it was canceled and the realization that we got up early for nothing...

haha, ironic, isnt it?
i dont know if that's a good or a bad thing.
both, perhaps.

it's just our luck.

i want

1. money to get a singing coach. i need to get better.
2. inspiration for a foot tattoo! :-/ im not creative at all.

i have such a shallow mind haha.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

random quote for today:

"im gonna use what god gave me before father time take it away!"

from a random youtube

Saturday, May 9, 2009


for anyone who happens to read this, i hate to be annoying, but i have to do a bit of advertising right here:

please check out my boyfriend's band IF WE'RE GONE TOMORROW


WHERE: if you live in southern california, they will be having their first show @ chain reaction in anaheim on saturday may 16th.

TICKETS: $10 each, however, since the show is coming closer and they still have 70 tickets to sell, the band is willing to give them to you for $5 each instead (that's a steal! i have to pay $10 haha and im his girlfriend!).

they need to sell these tickets in order to play at their show.
if not, it'll come from their pocketbooks.
please help them out!



if you dont live in california, please help them out by just getting their name out there!

post it on your blog, myspace, facebook, twitter, or web page!

the more advertising they get, the more fans and popularity... it cant hurt.

even if you dont like them, just get their name out there. say that they suck, or whatever! but name recognition is everything.

oh, and they ARE getting a new singer so if you arent fond of their sound now, dont worry, itll change.

CONTACT: they have accounts on myspace, facebook, and each member has a twitter.
you can also talk to them on AIM!


twitter accounts:
aaron (guitarist/keys/screams):
alisha (guitarist):
foz (bassist):
joey (drummer/screams):



look them up on facebook also!

please dont be shy, theyre great & outgoing people.

spread the word ♥


just ordered new clothes online.

check that one!

now off to wash up & sleep. officially.

4:43 AM... im up too late :[

woe is me!

im still up and he's mad at everything right now. er, he hates everything to be more precise.
it's kind of hard hearing your bf complain about how everything sucks and stuff when you try so hard to make everything easier for him and to make him happy. you know? and it doesnt help either when sometimes you incredibly envy him/are jealous of him. i dont know. sometimes im like why are you complaining when you have so much more than me/ when u have all that i would want? maybe im being selfish, er self-centered. i try to help him and i listen to him and offer encouragement, but at times it's tiring.

as of now, i have a 10pg term paper due monday and i havent started. go me. haha... well, i have an outline done, so it's not too bad. but it still sucks. plus i have a piano final monday and i havent practiced yet :[

man im such a complainer haha.
i guess i bring it on myself though... i procrastinate my @ss off.

there are so many things i want in life though. some of the things i want im too young for haha. sometimes i think there's something wrong with me :-/

what i want right now:

1. to relax & sleep

2. to be stress-free


4. a free calorie-free mocha frappuccino from starbucks [which doesnt exist] :[

5. a really nice camera

6. to get away for a weekend w/ my boy

7. new clothes/bathing suit

8. for this semester to be over

Monday, May 4, 2009


im sleepy!
i hate finals!
all this work and no time to do it all...


right now my boyfriend is singing me taylor swift songs and playing his guitar over webcam :-)
haha, he's cute.
but right now im tired and i want to do this, and it's really hard to do both things at once.

i suck at multitasking.
does that make me any less a woman? :-/

hmm, things to ponder...

i must sleep now.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

i absolutely HATE it when

i accidentally copy someone else's blog in some way.
i feel like a jerk ahah... as stupid as that might be.


stupid lady gaga picture.


one of the most beautiful songs in the world.


SPEAKING of tattoos!

i was watching youtubes earlier tonight of LA ink.
that show's tight.

kat von d is amazingly pretty and i think she has an awesome personality... on TV anyway haha.

if i ever get the tattoos i want (i have yet to make a firm decision haha) then i want either her or someone from her shop high voltage to do it for me.

i will wait and pay the money, it would be so worth it.

i realllllllyyyy want to get her book <3

current thoughts

1. im in love with my boyfriend tonight. it happens like that sometimes haha.
2. this week was so busy and i got it all done. im stoked.
3. gotta start planning that 10 pg government essay :-/
4. im itching to start writing/singing some music. i dont write music very well cuz i dont do it enough, but im gonna try and start making it a habit.
5. i wish i didnt leave my guitar @ my bf's house yesterday.
6. it rained tonight. supposed to rain tomorrow. YES! :]]]
7. i washed my car the other day. DAMN!T.
8. sleeeeeeeeeeeeeping in tomorrow ♥
9. if it's cold then im going to try and dress up cute tomorrow.
10. i wanna go on a date.
11. i start my diet sh!t on monday. livin it up while i can!
12. i wonder what people like reading/seeing on blogs. i dont wanna sound like a conformist, but i want to make this blog more interesting. whaddya like?
13. i love stand up comedy.
14. i would like to get a tattoo. perhaps more than one ;-)
15. maybe one day i shall post a link of my singing/music on here if i ever get around to recording it... or if im ever brave enough to post it!
16. you should check out my bf's band:
17. mocha frappuccino... mmm... i want one haha.

dang, busy mind!

i never thought that i would say this but

poker face by lady gaga.
i like that song haha!

unbelievable... then again, i like everything so it makes sense.

plus, hey, texas holdem poker... that's my game, son!
i stink at it, but it's fun :]