Saturday, April 25, 2009

i loved a robot.


so last night i had a horrible dream... well, it was horrible to
me, at least.

the only parts i can clearly remember are the ones right before the nightmare ended.
in my dream aaron was not aaron. he was a robot. now, he looked like aaron... er, at least i think he did, yet his personality was not the same. he had a robotic yet aaron-ish personality... i dont know how else to explain it. he was aaron of obligation, without the humor, without the silliness, without what made aaron
my aaron. and the robot part of him... well, that was really weird. apparently he was a robot that was dedicated to me. he did what i asked of him (not like i asked him to do anything absurd) immediately and without question.

in the dream i remember we were in some arena sitting down together watching some show or whatever and i asked him to hold me. he put the program he was reading down and i laid my head on his lap. he held me close and i remember that i felt safe and my heart was bursting. i felt warm with love.

and the next thing i knew, i waslooking at some bizarrely empty seat and staring into the faces of a couple of graying-haired white men who were asking me why i didnt want to sit there and why i was staying with a robot. i was really flustered and i held on to my aaron tighter and told them that i loved him. i think they scoffed at me but im not sure. they starting asking aaron to be on their service and he said he couldnt, that he was mine. and yet... i knew that this aaron loved me. i could see it in his eyes and feel it in his touch. he was a robot that had feelings. he was not the real aaron, but he was still mine and i loved him.

but there was a threshold of money that released him from me. i remember seeing or hearing the words in my dream "and his hand of obligation fell" or "his hand finally fell" and knowing that he was no longer mine. that he had been taken away from me. i couldnt see him because at this point i was behind a rack in a makeup section of a store that looked undoubtedly like a target. i remember seeing my aaron, who really looked like a robot now, under the service of those men. he looked at me once and his eyes conveyed to me all the devastation and the agony he couldnt tell me about. i sobbed and wept and ran around the store. i was desperate for a way to get him back but i couldnt, i couldnt.

and it ended.

i can still feel that sense of loss and hurt.
i remember what it felt to cry that heart.

it's weird. it was only a dream, but the feelings are real.
i feel that until i see aaron again, he is still lost to me.

now that im actually thinking about it, he was my edward cullen in that dream. he didnt look like him or sound like him or anything, but like edward cullen he was absolutely devoted to me. he loved me, he was charming and yet warm and cold at the same time. he was warm in his love with me but cold... he wasnt real. he was something different altogether, not human like i was. he was romantic and loved me to the core. he was my aaron without being aaron. he was like aaron when aaron is sweet and loving, but minus the retarded, silly, stupid, jokey side of him. and he didnt say much, this robotic aaron. yet, i felt every single thing he wouldve said to me. we had a way of communicating that involved no words, only feeling.

dont ask me how i know all this.
slowly these things are coming back to me.
this was a dream where i felt more than i saw.

it's so weird.

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